November 19, 2008

news

midnight confessions

The fear of fear itself

by Dorri Alexander
October 29, 2008

There was a gorilla blocking the doorway.

It was there every night, so large it filled the doorway between my bedroom and the hallway beyond. If I woke in the middle of the night, the lurking countenance of this horrible creature paralyzed me with fear. In my five-year-old mind, this gorilla would surely grab me with his large furry hands with the intent to do me harm.

As long as I stayed in bed, I was safe. The gorilla wouldn’t come into my room as he would only guard the doorway. The monkeys under the bed posed another problem. I feared they would grab my legs and pounce on me, so either way, leaving the bed was not an option.

So, what was a five-year-old girl supposed to do in such a situation? The only real solution was to outgrow my fears. Every morning, the gorilla and his monkey cohorts would be gone. Eventually, they left for good; only my memory of being terrified by them has remained.

Looking back, I have to laugh and ponder my choice of fearful creatures. Maybe after being told repeatedly that monsters didn’t exist, my childish mind used primates — I knew from visits to the zoo that monkeys and gorillas were definitely real.

Fear of the dark and the creatures that lurk there is a common childhood stage. Psychologists have proposed that children create monsters to represent their real fears- a realization that the world is not always a safe place.
My oldest son, now 13, had such a terrific fear of the dark he would not sleep alone. Somehow, his fear of the dark was completely overcome after sleeping by himself in his new racecar bed. Now he keeps his bedroom so dark we half-jokingly call him Caveboy.

The youngest, now on the cusp of turning four, was seemingly born without fear. Situations or objects that we thought could cause him fear simply did not. For him, fear was not innate but a learned response, to which I thank the media.

Let me explain: Countless books and cartoon shows have covered the topics of being afraid of the dark, seeing monsters, the whole shebang. For some children, they may be quite helpful in learning to cope with their fears. In fact, I recall a book that I used to read, “Fraidy Cat” back when I was a child. A little black kitten named Fraidy was scared of everything until Dr. Owl set him straight. To me, it was just a story, because I was dealing with those gorillas and monkeys every night.

But for my child, such stories have only introduced him to the idea that he should be scared by these things. After reading a Winnie The Pooh book “Night Time Mystery,” he thought there was a monster outside his window, just as Piglet did in the story. Many nights we had to look out his window and assure him there were no monsters outside his second story window.

Since then, his list of fears has grown. Things that he’s seen before and was not frightened of, like Darth Vader and those Dalek robots on “Doctor Who”, now cause him to run from the room when they appear on our tiny television screen.

Now it’s spread from the TV screen into the real world. Ever since Walgreen’s put out their Halloween merchandise, I’ve had to wheel my cart all around the store to avoid that aisle. If he even thinks I’m too close to the decorations, he has a fit of terror and fear wracks his little body.

At Price Chopper, the challenge is a little different. A few times they had a costumed character giving out coupons for sausage- a big ol’ country boy in his overalls and straw hat. The first time we saw him, my son didn’t know what to think of it, except that he didn’t like it. The next time, he did the Walgreen’s freak out right there in the meat department. Since then, he always asks me if the “sausage boy” is inside, and I hope that he isn’t when I assure my child that everything is okay.

As a parent, it’s a hard situation to deal with when your child clings to you and screams about being scared. Usually, your first response is that there’s nothing to be scared of. Mommy and Daddy are here, and they are not scared; everything will be fine. And sometimes you just want to laugh and say, “youcan’t be afraid of that” like it’s not scary enough.

No matter how you deal with it, it’s hard for adults to remember back when everything was bigger than you and hard to understand. I know that sometimes my son uses the “I’m scared” line as an excuse and other times he’s truly frightened. My hope is that after we get past the Halloween holiday his fears will wind down somewhat.

As for Halloween, I’m putting the ball in his court. I don’t think he’ll want to pass up on Trick-or-Treating; he’s gone out on Halloween even before he was old enough to walk. But we’ll go early, before it gets dark and if there’s any house he doesn’t want to approach and then we won’t. Not even a Snickers bar is worth that amount of drama.

As I learned from a recent trip to the zoo, once something frightens a child, no amount of explaining will make that fear disappear. Needless to say, I thought it would be best to avoid the gorilla exhibit.

Dorri has lived in the Historic Northeast for more than 20 years and has been writing for The Northeast News for 10 years. She welcomes your comments at uptil12am@yahoo.com.

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